i'll never send him this

i thought i knew what pain was. but maybe i needed to be reminded that i was the bearer of my own.

i liked you.
i loved you.
i wanted you -
and i would have gone the distance in a heartbeat if you allowed me to. if i knew your adoration for me was genuine, and not just validation for your masculinity. i can't help but dig myself in deeper, wondering why not me? why wasn't i picked? you had to have known all along i was not the one in your mind or your heart. you had no intentions of turning this into a face to face reality. you were never going to grant me what i wanted, needed, or deserved. yet you never picked honesty as easy as you fed lies. at least with this truth there would have been dignity, and respect. that's a pain i can withstand.

i shared my words with a stranger. you disrespected my time. you had me on a platter for fucks sake. i hung onto your existence --- covered with blinders as though no one else was around me. tunnel vision made you seem so grand. it doesn't matter how many dates i went on or how angry i was with you. you were the culprit, but my favorite kind.

i am sunken low. though i'm not sure if i'm really angry at you or myself. i never did get to run my fingers on you. and maybe that's a good thing. the fall would have been catastrophic. there is something about rejection and idolizing the burn of trying over and over again until you come across the final slap. i just keep squeezing lemon into my cuts, relieving only what's left in memory. you gave me grand excuses, and i'm impressed with your ability to cover yourself so easy. Mr. too toxic to date, with his commitment phobic eyes and a burnt open heart. what a tired marquee that is. what a coward you are. i get it. it wasn't you. it was me. you're not incapable of letting anyone in. you're incapable of letting me in. i was never in your future. hell, you didn't even have me in your present. just a girl you tugged at until better came along. i never found a crime in disliking someone, but your repulsion in leading me on is unforgivable. i saw the way you talked to everyone. in comparison to me it was human. and by the time you came around with a decent attitude i was so caught in the past with resentment and hurt i couldn't see anything else. all it did was mock me.

and so i'm stuck with the final. the gut wrenching realization that there was never anyone here but myself. i was angry with you as i've been angry with everything. you were the object of my affection and though you took advantage of my admiration, i really did become trapped in you the way I've been trapped in my own bitter hell for many years now. you were an empty satisfaction. serves me right i guess for seeking companion fixated on destroying. and you fed me almost as poetically as i destroy myself. so much of you was familiar and draining. the darkest part of something i could never unleash on anyone but myself. it's no surprise i became addicted.

i only wish we could have connected at a better time in our life. my hands are clean with an apology. it's you who walks away with dirt that i will never take back. i do believe we could have had something really amazing if we wanted to. but you didn't. fool for love plays in the background of my awakening.

it's been a while. lingering thoughts still make their way, and some people, regardless of how badly they hurt me will always stay inside my heart. though not in the warmest parts.

spiral from misery

into desire

flesh cut wound cut

on a lemon breeze

and a tongue free

on a spring afternoon

i let mine roll around your

goosebumps

heavy citrus fresh

but, go ahead and try me for sport

ready to clean my skin. but i need to properly open my eyes first so i can discern between necessary offloading and compulsive perfection that's going to leave my promising cells dry.

the best source of support is myself.

at this time i am not asking for help. what i'm going through right now requires my hand only. if anything, anyone from the outside would just hinder my process. this has been a month of awakening and weakening. first comes realization, then the downfall, then my rise. i need to gain self control. i need to remember my worth and preach it not only to my beautiful ones, but to my beautiful self. i need to stop writing poems to lovers that never were. i need to stop men from ruining my ambitions. i need to never again discard my instinct because the moment i did that i lost trust in myself.

i am strong enough to consume myself in a puddle and pick it right back up within the next 30 mins as though nothing happened. if you go through this on the daily you will understand the amount of YOU needed to preserve in order to continue living. the people i have currently allowed to take from my energy are thriving off it as i type this. i sense their leeching. they forget i can turn the power i handed to them, against them. 

well, goodbye the last 6 months

sometimes you find yourself on the highest perch screaming while wind gusts coarse through your pipes like ice picks. but there's a lot of beauty in being strong enough to handle fragility. and those who fall have the greatest ride. a bountiful gem, this killer heart. i hold yours in the presence of royalty. command me, you can try. but i have shredded yours as nicely as you did mine. i was given a platter of daggers to chose from, so i sampled what was bestowed upon me and felt the magic mirror would suffice.

what should i do now besides make art from lies. scraps of a raw lover under microscope eyes, outsiders eyes as they watch my demise. throughout this whole chess game i was an unrecognizable reality. what happened to me as each word pressed against my chest and caressed my insecurities. life is but a strange occurrence of freak show performances, and i couldn't make it up if i really tried. dark pleasures, the aphrodisiac of rejection, gulp, gulp, i drink for all occasions.

i could be a hopeless pessimistic or a tired romantic. but i am just beginning to ignite. no one has yet to put out my fire. come around to all the darkened corners that have held me up and watch me nurture an unstoppable force of nature. a deluge of intense orgasms. though a cliche, i will not strip this catharsis of its shadow. it's dark. it should be. sometimes, a girl just needs to fall apart to regain her strength.

nothing says power quite like nipples. 

i think everyone should marvel at their temple

regardless of standards set by society

standards are there to make you question yourself.

and why should you?

isn't it much more fun to create outrage.

bless yourself by really loving yourself

don't destruct by allowing others to take away what is yours.

there will be people who are more than happy to chip away.

well your tits aren't enough,

and your legs are too stubby

you have eyes like the moon,

or eyes like the devil

your skin is golden fresh

your skin is too dry

your skin is just the right shade of privilege

your color is too dark to acknowledge

she has the thighs of a 13 year old boy...

did she even develop?

this one has too much fat

her rolls are overpowering.

i say you take that power and seize your right

to be as marvelous and autonomous as you please.

perhaps you won't fit for the male gaze,

well i think that's pretty punk to be honest.